Del Antonio

Temptation was nothing merely but a test of your will to fight and how easy you would give in. Change requires change. When you want to stop doing something and make a drastic change I believe in taking drastic measures. The thing about addictions are the supply is always plentiful and available. Can you refuse it though? I had to think about who I really was undressed without insecurity, shame or confusion. I thought about who I wanted to be, who I wanted to be known for. Those things drove my decision to stop being less than great, less than amazing, less than dope! I had to distant myself from the people I use to hang with that was into everything I needed to get away from. I miss them but I had to save myself. If I heard their whoring stories it would only make me want to create my own. I had to get off the apps, the sites – somewhat isolate myself. Changing my number was vital to accomplish this if not I would continue to get offers, pics. and videos. It was a process but one that I had committed to. I was a sex addict everything about was sweet yet dangerous and damaging. I was more than a guy looking to hook up. God had birth way more in me than that. It was time to be healed and save what was left of me and allow God to restore everything that was broken inside of me. He can make you new.

The rejection rate is so high in the gay community when it comes to dating that it can truly bruise the ego of a person. You’re not masculine enough. You’re too aggressive. You’re too emotional. I typically don’t like slim guys. I’m into guys who work out. I’m d/d free looking for the same. You have a roommate. You live outside the perimeter. You don’t have a car. I’m into dark skin guys. The list goes on why someone can never be a candidate for love. However Sex is always accepting people. It’s been proven time and time again the ease of hooking up versus the opportunity to get know someone. No strings attached! Now how does this affect someone? I’m glad you asked. Based on the individuals own self evaluation and self esteem they can easily fall into the cracks of the sex world. It’s less painful and the opportunities are plentiful. There is always someone else looking for a good nut. Here in this sex world people feel wanted, desired and somewhat worshipped. The ego has now been revived and is happy because someone, somewhere is paying them attention. Now how does the addiction come into play – easy. This 15,30 minutes or hour of pleasure only fulfills your void for that length of time, then you’re back empty. In order to avoid filling empty, you must increase your sexual encounters. You become addicted to the bandage that you have placed on your true desire which is to be loved for you. However you can’t forget each time you presented the entire you – you were rejected. However you have noticed how people enjoy your sex. I call this taking what you can get. So people belittle their desires just so that they can have someone even if it’s only for 20 minutes. But in that 20 minutes they feel wanted and adored. This is a cycle that many join in. It’s too painful to love or even try….so we rather risk the catching of stds curable and incurable just to avoid the painful and disappointing experiences of looking for love.

I often wondered if I had not been molested would I be gay. My first point of a sexual encounter was with another man and not by choice. However he did create an atmosphere that alluded to be comforting and loving which was heaven to a kid who was sad and depressed because he didn’t feel loved by his mom. I was drawn to him because of his affection. I was too young to understand what it was. However, I knew what we was doing couldn’t be totally ok because we had to hide it. I would be lying if I said that I hated it. How could I? He made me feel loved. At a young age I learned how this body could afford me things I wanted. He was my first teacher of how to use my body and he didn’t even know it. It became routine I would give him my body in exchange for attention and affection. I was just a little boy, a lonely little boy. I instantly took to men and deep down inside grew a strong dislike to women. I often wondered did I persuade myself to believe I don’t want a woman because the first woman I met seemed to hate me. Men loved me. They smiled at me. They made me feel wanted. And it was in those life changing moments that would shape my future and it would take years to understand how all of this happened. And because there was a piece of enjoyment of what happened to me, I could never call it rape. I never said no and I never wanted to. Why would I? He made me feel loved. Now the thing about most families is this happens within the families and people know but no one says anything about it. I’ve never seen an imaginary rug so big were families sweep EVERYTHING under it. Family is suppose to stick together not stick each other. But shhhhh don’t say that! Families have to be picture perfect no matter how dysfunctional they are. I’m sharing this because I grew up and dealt with it the best way I knew how and eventually began to exchange my body for what I thought was love…and after love didn’t work I craved power, control and dominance over people. I even grew to a place where I wanted to own people’s mind and I did all of the above. Yet it left me lonely and even though I thought I was in control. I was still only being used. And I’m 33 no longer a sex addict and very aware and I look at my homosexual community and it is saturated with sex fiends with similar stories. It takes a long time to learn how I love yourself when you’ve always felt like something was wrong with you. Being sexually desired strokes the ego an makes you feel like something is right with you. So why chase love most gay men say when it all ends in heartbreak and betrayal. They just rather buss a nut and feel wanted for a minute and drift back to a make believe place of happiness. It’s so much pain in the gay community but how dare we talk about it. I will talk about it whether everyone or no one listens. I care.